I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
