all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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