I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
