Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Never joke about your clitoris.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
