he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
