I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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