Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Michael Bay diarrhea
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
