So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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