Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
