We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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