From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
