I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
