White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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