Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
