i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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