So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
