Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
