u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
