he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
