so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
