I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
