just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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