It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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