I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
