I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
