yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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