At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
