I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
