forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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