and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
