Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
