Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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