is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
