just come out here and I will go home with you...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
