I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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