So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
