mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
did i walk over a car last night?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think a kid would responsible me up
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
