So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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