last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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