he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
