So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
