u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
