Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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