I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
