Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
