I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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