My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
