Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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