I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
