when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
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One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
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He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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