My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
