ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
