I wish I could punch you in the face.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
